5.05.2014

An Open Letter To Males Hoping To Score

Dear Men,

Let's discuss how you approach women. Having recently been nearly molested by a person of the male gender at a baseball game, I think it's time men reacquaint themselves with the methods of striking up a conversation with women they find attractive. It's really not a difficult concept - vulnerable, yes, but difficult it is not. I think following the general rules below would probably help men succeed much more often.

#1: Look For An Invitation

Generally in the form of eye contact - lingering eye contact and/or multiple times and/or paired with a smile. Some girls have a really good "come hither" sultry look - I am not one of them. I can tell you, though, that eye contact is a pretty good indication that you have a green light to approach.

However, say you see an appealing woman (Woman, right? You're over the drunk girls, right? Because you are a man?) and she is perhaps too involved in a conversation with a friend to notice anyone around her. Gentle proximity is everything. Don't butt into her conversation with a snide comment. Don't barge into her personal space. Ease your way in. If you spot an opening, take it, but don't force it.

#2: Have A Conversation

Do you know what a conversation is? One of those things you have with friends, in which you ask someone a question, they respond with a thoughtful answer, and then you ask a follow up question.

Do you know what a conversation is not? A conversation is not: introducing yourself and then waiting for someone to make the next comment. A conversation is not: extolling your life achievements. A conversation is not: interrupting the person you are speaking with. A conversation is not: asking a question and then answering it yourself.

#3: Don't Be Mean

Why do so many guys insist on using condescension while trying to pick up a woman, and even while on dates? And especially when it's often paired with a direct order such as, "Tell me a funny joke" or "I'm waiting for you to tell me an entertaining story with a point" - both of which I have personally heard. I'm sorry, at what point did you purchase me? I'm a human being, not a show pony. This only leads to women feeling as though they aren't even human - just a thing for your amusement.

This also applies to people around you. Don't break down the people around you, because all it's doing is showing how small-minded you are. And you know what they say about men with small minds...

#4: Please Don't Touch Unless Invited

This is usually not a direct invitation (although sometimes it is). Most often, though, leaning in close is a good sign. If she touches you, you're in the clear. But please don't molest the woman you are speaking with. If she inches away from you, take the hint. If she shudders when you touch her, seriously, take the hint. If she can't even look at you, seriously, what's wrong with you? Don't touch her. Probably stop trying to talk with her, too, because she's made it clear she's not interested and you trying to hit her up is only making you look like an even bigger ass. Again, it's a matter of feeling like a thing for your gratification - too much touching without invitation is disrespecting a woman's decision and preferences and is making it clear that you only want one thing, with or without her approval.

And really, that's all it comes down to: treat women like human beings, not things, and you will go farther. That's not to say women don't like a man with initiative, but there's a difference between starting up an intelligent conversation and asking for a number and having a guy practically sit on your lap and immediately break you down as a person.

As a final note - this applies to all women, regardless of appearance and clothing choice. A short skirt and low-cut top is not asking for anything other than a little extra attention. There's still a human being in there, and you best remember that if you really want to get anywhere.

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