4.29.2014

Living Up To The Person I Want To Be

Guys, my first-ever half-marathon will be happening in less than three weeks and I am freaking out.

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I am completely and totally panicked. 

I'm not feeling confident at all in my training. I've been hurt, I've had to take time off for work and travel and family, and I just don't feel like I'm meeting the expectations I originally set when I began this endeavor. I thought I would be faster, I thought I would be stronger, I thought I could do this without my inhaler - which was just dumb on my part (and I did get an inhaler prescription finally, which I'll use for the first time tomorrow).  I took too long to get a new pair of shoes, and as a result, had to take some time off in between runs - again, that was dumb on my part.

The truth is, I feel like a fraud. I feel like a fake runner. I feel like I'm just pretending to be someone who runs, and that I'm just acting a part. Runners shouldn't need to take walk breaks, right? Runners shouldn't have pained expressions on their faces, right? Runners are actually confident in what they're doing, right? Runners should be able to run in freezing cold winds, right? And somehow enjoy it at the same time?

I am none of these things. I require walk breaks. I imagine I always pass by people with a somewhat scared look on my face, as if I'm afraid I might vomit on them. I feel like I look like an idiot, and I capital-letters HATE wind. (By the way, the wind currently makes my windows sound like they're about to fall into my apartment, so NO, I am not going running in that today.)

Now, at this point I realize I am mostly being a frightened little mouse. I'm scared of embarrassing myself really - that I'll be ridiculously slow and everyone will judge me and mock me and tell stories of "Remember that girl who looked like she was in shape but then walked a lot and wasn't even able to finish the race?" and pull out their cell phones of pictures of me crawling towards the finish line moments before the time limit expires.

I know this isn't very likely remotely possible, but my head doesn't care. WHAT IF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS?

I have this image of who I want to be (as far as a runner, anyway): I once was on a hike - a moderate to strenuous hike in the mountains, at around 10,000 feet elevation, and this couple ran up a steep incline past me, and then shortly came past me running back down. We said hi as I moved out of the way, and I admired them. I admired her - that she was fit enough to run a mountain I was walking, that she was energetic enough to run so many miles on such a large incline, that she was confident enough to run a rocky path, that she was nice enough to make eye contact and say hello and thank you (and I was a little envious of her boyfriend, if we're being honest here - the abs). And I suppose with this most recent goal, I was hoping to start the process of becoming that woman. But with these troubles I've had recently, I feel just frustration at my lack of progress and change. What if I'm not that type of woman - what if I'm actually really lazy, and I'm just a couch potato stuck inside a wanna-be runner?

How long does it take to become the person you want to be and is it possible that you can never become that person?

2 comments:

  1. You wouldn't believe how nerve wracked I was for my first and only marathon. Sweaty and in no way did I believe that I would finish the whole thing. I walked, I stopped and rested, I had tears in my eyes. At the end if I looked in a mirror I bet I was running like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons just propelling myself accross the line. If people were laughing I have no idea. If they took pictures to make fun of later I dont know. But fuck them I crossed that line and I crossed off one more thing on my bucket list.

    You will doubt yourself in everything new you attempt. It doesnt mean your a faker. It means it matters to you. If it is important to you than others opinions, their giggles and their mockery dont mean anything. Because you just beat one of your lifes whales.

    “God help thee, old man, thy thoughts have created a creature in thee; and he whose intense thinking thus makes him a Prometheus; a vulture feeds upon that heart for ever; that vulture the very creature he creates.”
    Moby Dick

    Good luck and kick ass!

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    Replies
    1. I don't know who you are, but you. are. awesome.

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